(Indeed I'm writing this with a deeply distressed state of mind.You may find your journey through it a 'scattered and chaotic' one)

Throughout the whole day,all I'm doing seem like pure nonsense now-a-days and I honestly feel like doing nothing meaningful at all.And with this feeling of "nothing meaningful at all" ,I have been slowly drowning in a deep depression phase since the last couple of days ; or in a more accurate sense,my mental stability is gradually drifting towards a dangerously disturbed state.

I feel like having been throughly thrashed.I feel like living a meaningless life altogether. With every passing moment I'm getting increasingly confused and I'm feeling staggeringly stupefied.My vision about life is gradually getting vaporized into vacuum.I'm not understanding what I'm doing with my life and why or what elses I'm gonna do in the time to come,near or far.I'm not recognizing who I am and why I am in this apparently endless stream of life on this surface of earth.My understanding about myself is facing a complete collapse.It is breaking down bit by bit.Things are becoming knotty.Things are becoming messy.Complexity looks like at its peak.And then with my enormous inability to properly pose the problem and seeing the solution to it,my thinking-cells are losing their spirit of joy,forcing me to stuck into an annoyingly ambiguous area in my mind's mesh.

"OK", I thought," I've to start from a reference zero-level in order to simplify this scenario - I'm to approach step by step to resolve the complexity of the problem.If I at all want to see the problem simplified,I'm to break it down - the complications - bit by bit into some basic easily understandable fundamental parts." So I sat down.I sat down calm.And let my mind and muscles relax at full and set my thoughts run free at first.And thereafter I tried to pull together all the scattered parts of my mind and began to focus on me: "Who am I ?"

Well,first of all,for sure the easiest answer was: I'm a living system.I'm an animal of this world.Or with a bit more specificity, I am a Homo Sapience-a human being-the only animal in nature with an advanced analytical sense.But then to precisely undestand who I am ,it required me to narrow down the 'search' step by step,continuously zooming "me" in under the microscope and I did it and in the process I got to see more specific features of mine defining me.Few steps down the "zoom-in"-bar I saw me in the society to which all humans are an integral part.Here on this socital stage, I'm seen to stay connetted to all in numberless different forms.Honestly,there are too many forms to count and consider.But I wanted to figure out the more fundamental ones - the most important ones,which have the maximum effects to charecterize me from outside and to shape me from within.

Under the microscope,the whole of me was seen consisting of a non-linear combination of many prominent parts.To my parents I'm a son,to my grandparents I'm a granson,to my siblings I'm a brother and so on and so forth.Somewhere I'm a student and somewhere I'm a teacher.Academically I am getting trained to think like a physicist but intrinsically I'm more inclined to think like a poet.Upto a certain level ,I'm a music-maniac,at some moment I run mad for movies and at times I go crazy for cricket.To some people in the society, I'm a friend and to some other, I'm a foe.And of course my attachment as a friend with every individual is having a different shape and sharpness and the intensity of enmity with my different enemy is of different form and is of different ferocity.In the global society,I'm an Indian;in the social arean of India I'm a bengali and the catagorization can be continued into further fine branches.But the central-line is :I have varieties of identities to various diverse eyes.What my identity is totally depends on the 'culture' countering me or the context containing me.Anyway,indeed it's an endless list that sum up together to make my 'me'.

Indeed it needs a multi-dimensional approach,a rigorous nano-scale analysis to entirely enlist the features describing me as a whole, internally and externally.And needless to say it's infact an utterly tough task and it needs both patience and sence to totally remove the complexity and reduce the messiness down to a simplier form.

There are so many 'me' within me that I constantly ask which one is real me ?OK,I figured out then, that all of them are real.All of them are integrated together in a non-linear fashion to finally form the 'I' of me.None of them is ignorable.All of them are staying together but which aspect of me one is going to see will depend on the the type of interaction one is experiencing with me.Very realistically,this experience of interaction is very much a both way process.I dont want to say that something of 'me' is 'actual' and some other are 'artificial'.No,not like that.Only thing is that something is having an edge over the other,something is more prominent,more preoccupying than the rest at a time.One aspect of me has just a higher probability than the rest to get revealed at a time concerning the context we are in.So I came to conclude today that all 'Avatars' of my personality are actually real,they are only the product of different types of dealings with the surroundings concerned.They are the result of a particular space-time personal interaction.All my 'Avatars' - the 'Son','Grandson','Brother','Lover','Student,'Teacher','Listener','Speaker','Friend','Foe','Music-mad','Movie-buff' and blah blah ,all are very much real.

Anyway even after I reached this conclusion,I'm not getting peace;I still feel like living a meaningless life,I still feel like doing all nonsense all day.At present I'm working towards getting my doctoral degree in Physics and I'll be wasting few more years in achieving it.As of now,in my current life as a researcher assistant,I'm spending most of my minutes during day into my work,doing experiments and dealing with the data or sometimes showing them to my guide and getting guidelines from her.And then in rest of the time of the day, when I'm away from the field of physics,I'm either orkuting or chatting or talking over phone or maybe I'm listening to music and reading something from very general interest.And of course irresistibly during these things ,all sorts of arbitary random thoughts pop up into my head.

I'm thinking of doing something significant in life,I'm thinking of the efficiency of my work and my ability,I'm thinking of my life gone by and the life to come.All sorts of unexpected memories also visit my thoughts. Almost in every sixteen thousand seconds I'm thinking of sex,I'm thinking of so-called social-coded obscene scene.

And then in the evening after I'm back home,I chit-chat with friends,rest and relax over net, searching and exploring various sites.Then comes the usual cooking time and I found myself busy preparing for food....Then what ?Over the dinning table with my apartment-mates I get dissolved in discussion and debate about different aspects of life and sometimes we share the stories of life. And after that once again the internet becomes my park of pleasure and then as the night deepens I feel attracted towards watching xxx movies and self-stimulate myself watching them and then finally take my bed totally tired.Of course throughout the whole day, the other unavoidable biological activities are there.

Thereafter comes the pain, the storm in the brain.Laying on the back over the bed I close my eyes and see in the darkness the deep depression looming large, looking at me.'Is this what I know as life?Is this the way of venturing through time?Are these the activities I find pleasure in?Are these the all that I wanna do ?Who am I?What am I?For what reason I'm just floating on this time and space?' I'm to know the answers.I'm to get a better understanding.

At any moment,my life may end;at any point death may suddenly snatch me from life.Everywhere there are plenty of traps tricked by death and it's a positive definite that if I collapse to death this moment,only a few will weep for few days and will get truely affected.But the enormous flow of life will go on as usual - unmoved, unaffected.I'll end up complete null.Insignificant and inconsequential.I know life is only for once on this earth,there is nothing like coming back (It's a only a feel-good-factor to think that we'll born again according to few sect of ancient wisdom).So it's a fact that once my brain will cease to work,I'll fall from the flow of life - I'll die.Instantly I'll stop tasting life.I'll no longer exist anywhere except in the minds of a few.

But then why do I want to be remembered at all ? Why?If I myself no longer exist what comes and goes weather I'm remembered or not.Yes,I know it's a stupid longing but still I dont know why I get afraid and feel pain to think that even with my non-existense there will be drums and dramas of life,without me even, everything will nicely run on its' own way,unmoved.There will not be even an tiny amount of turbulence in the ocean of the world - all will rejoice the most thrilling game called 'life'.Only I'll not be here.Only I'll 'miss' (?) it.None will miss me.OK,perhaps a few,too few will miss me for few days sheding their tears with real agony in hearts.

OK,whatever be the reason,this feeling that 'life is for once' makes me feel more sad and thus I strongly feel that before the game is over,before I end up dead I'm to brainstorm to bring meaning in my living.I'm to search the purpose of my stay on this stage of life. OK,one simple soothing search-result might be : "Karma(Work)".But still then I'm to search what type of 'karmas' bring the best of bliss in me.

Othrwise I'm swinging away from peace.My mind is constantly creating chaos of strains - it is very slowly and silently drifting towards a dangerously disturbed state.