Brother
When we were young things seemed so much better. We laughed, we played, we enjoyed those summer days. But as we got older, things became colder. We no longer played, instead we just fought, we no longer laughed, instead we just drifted apart. It breaks my heart to see us now, hating each other, cause we can't stand one another. Though your still my brother and your still my friend. I will never leave you, until I have reached my end.
Antman...
This write of yours is easy for me to relate to... my brother and I no longer get along like we used to. Our ideas on life are different
and it makes it hard to communicate, but he is my brother and my friend even when we aren't getting along.... I think this poem needs
to be set up differently... delivered poetically, with line breaks and stanzas... it would add to the strength of your statement.
and a few word changes would make it a great write...
When we were young
things seemed "so" much better... I think you could eliminate "so"
We laughed, we played,
"we" enjoyed those summer days... "we" I think is unneeded here
line break...
in the next stanza, in my opinion "things" could be replaced with a stronger
word... I'm sure you could come up with one... these are only suggestions...
I like your write and you can keep it as is, but I think it has the potential to be
much more... great theme, one many can relate to...
Richard
hi
nice work...well written & a very nice concept.
i loved the lines,
'It breaks my heart to see us now, hating each other, cause we can't stand one another.'
the only thing i felt uneasy with was the construction of the poem. put it in well made stanzas & it will become one of the best poems.
Keep writing
thanks