Arose and It's Color

Submitted by cakewalk on Fri, 05/01/2009 - 21:44

In the beginning before roses had color
all but one beautiful rose had no other
but one day a rose fell in love
it's a gift he cried, a gift from above
so he got the courage, the courage he needed to speak to his love
the kind of courage that made him sway like a dove
when he whispered in her ear the way that he did
he became nervous of rejection, bashful and turned red

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had fun reading it

Submitted by jack the ripper on Fri, 05/01/2009 - 22:51.

CakeWalk,

Welcome to poems n prose...

I loved the concept of your poem - personification of a rose. I also liked the logic behind the write... It appears that you are someone who follow logic as a way of life...

May I suggest that if the lines are rearranged it will not only be easier to read but also be more rhyming. For example:

"In the beginning
before roses had color
all but one beautiful rose
had no other.
But one day
[the] rose fell in love
"it['s] a gift", he cried,
a gift from above"

As you can see my friend, I hardly changed anything at all apart from the form factor of the stanza and replaced a few words (here and there). Don't you think it sounds and looks MUCH MORE pleasing now? But again it's just my opinion. What matters really is your (the poet's) judgment.

Do keep writing.

Regards,
Amartya

Please let say

Submitted by Byebye on Sat, 05/02/2009 - 02:46.

I very much agree with Amertya. I must admit, I didnt see the impact of your poem until I read Amertya's suggestion to rearrange it. When it flows like that I am able to focus on the meaning you intended more. Everything sounds better to music.