A materialistic liaison
I wrote this piece while still in the office. I'm hurt and needed to speak out. I know it may be bettered up on. Suggestions are therefore welcome. I did not even edit it. Thank you all in advance...
With all my might I prayed
against what my suspecting soul said.
For her all my entreaties were
to grant that her heart does desire.
My conscience’s selfless - did think I
as passion increased with minutes gone by.
Separations were hard to deal
emotions impossible to conceal.
The heart stood naked
with my mind as the judge
questioning the sentiments
my actions divulged.
“Not noble your intentions are”
said a voice within.
For my heart demanded love
for this friendship to sustain.
Thus I stand perilously
on the edge
with the query,
may some materialistic liaisons
be pure and sage?
hey gud one
coooool poem brother.........
it doesnt need ne editing i suppose........its excellent evn like dat....
thanks sweeeeeeeeettttttt lil sis :)
thanks 4 ur kind comment... :)
bonjour
Though I am not good in poetry, yet i think first stanza has a wonderful idea. The expression needs a little effort, not so vived as the theme in the two stanza. (I may be wrong). Keep it up man, you have potential!
la free
Your feedback is important to me. You are my reader. I write for myself and then for my readers. A poem is a creation. There are some creations which the creator does not feel like visiting; for every time he does as if his mind gets blocked with sorrow and grief. I promise to get back to this soon after I manage to get over this emotional dilemma.
Hope you will understand as a reader and continue to support me.
Respectfully,
Amartya
PS: I've made a tiny little change in the first stanza:
Original:
"With all my might I prayed
against what my suspecting soul said.
For her all my entreaties were
to grant all that her heart does desire."
Edited:
"With all my might I prayed
against what my suspecting soul said.
For her all my entreaties were
to grant that her heart does desire."
I removed "all" from the last mine because if felt the repetition was redundant.
la free
i appreciate your feedback... I'll work on this piece soon...
Respecfully,
Amartya
Very good first draft
3. Critical and technical revision.
I'm not sure where exactly you might be in this, becasue it appears to be technically sound to me from the start, and the stanza's are well constructed, ryhme and flow well..... I think the message is clear but.... maybe a little more guidence for me in how this effects you on an emotional level. This is a highly emotional topic, I think most might agree, and I feel your frustration in this piece strongly. I think you write very powerfully and deeply without appearing to try (not easy, believe me, I've tried). I just feel like I want to see the emotional impact it has on you. I'm thinking that I want to attatch myself more to that side of it as well as the frustraion which is very clearly apparent. I hope I said that right.
I like style a lot, as it makes me think on level most I know dont care to. Please write more often.
Mocit
Dear Mocit,
I agree with you about the layers of development of a poem.
I appreciate your comment and thank you again for being the one who understands me.
So far clarity about my mental state is concerned... I was angry and sad - as if being subjected to forced suffocation with no one else's but own hands holding the pillow tight against my face. I intentionally kept the feel of the write a touch ambiguous because I decided not to reveal everything... So that my readers can keep guessing about it...
Clarity can often act like a double edged sword cutting through even the minuscule pride one has been able to salvage from an emotional defeat. Hope you will understand and forgive me for that... :)
Respectfully,
Amartya
Thank you
I think I will learn a lot about writing from this site and from you. My inspiration thus far has been far greater then ever it has been. Thanks, Amartya, for your help.
Mocit
Mocit
I'm happy that you liked the site and that I'm being able to inspire you. I'm just another poet who earns his living by trading in shares for others
...
Respectfully,
Amartya
LOL you are most kind
Even if I don't publish my peoms I'll make sure you receive them... Do message me your email address....
Amartya
Disregard
I hit save button twice. Sorry.
Poetry!
You have learned your lessons well. This comes from the heart and rings true. Glad you did not over rhyme. I GIVE THIS A 5 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JOE
Joe
thank you so much. Your comments are always special... I'm happy i could make my mentor smile...
Respectfully,
Amartya