I Miss You

prema_nair's picture

 

 
I MISS YOU
 
I miss you,
& I am not lying.
I miss you,
& without you, I am dying.
 
I miss you everyday,
I miss you from my soul.
My life is now a foul play,
Your love is taking a toll.
 
I miss the way you held my hand,
I miss the way we walked on sand.
I miss the way we played our music loud.
I miss the way you found the silver lining in every cloud.
 
I miss your sweet smile,
That blew all my problems away.
If only you would have stayed a little while,
I would have never let myself stray.
 
I know it’s too late,
I have accepted it as my fate.
Just wanted you to know,
I am still a friend, not a foe.
 
I still miss you,
& I am not lying.
I still miss you,
& without you, I am dying.
 
 
 
0
Your rating: None
joe's picture

Very lyrical write

This comes f rom the heart. I like the lyrical repetion "I miss you" -- repertition often adds emphasis and lyrical impact. There are two rhymes; however, I would elimiinate 2 rhymes  because they do not  ring true== do you know which ones?

See ARABESQUE: I  have only one rhyme, although there s  nothing wrong with rhyme-- it is the music of poetry. We need to choose judicioulsy and not  rhyme for rhyme' s sake....

 

Joe :)

Your rating: None
joe's picture

&

Eliminate the &, If you want to give emphasis to the conjunction you could write it tihs  way:

 

I miss you

And

I am dying

 

The two rhymes that rang a bit untrue were:

 

1. foul play -- too prosaic

2. foe

"Just wanted you to know

I miss you so, my love

No enemy am I""

[you finish the rest]

 

Your rating: None

Hi Prema,                   I

Hi Prema,

                  I enjoyed my journey through the poem..it's like a smooth fountain of rhythmic words......Pen down more...

Your rating: None
jack the ripper's picture

It's a song

Prema,

I agree with Joe... I is a VERY experianced poet... It is a song...

But then i've a question... are song lyrics not poems?

Just a thought...

PS: Do follow Joe's suggestion if you are serious about poetry...

His advices are previous

 

Your rating: None
prema_nair's picture

thanks

thanks for da comments.                                                   i'll work on them.

Prema.

Your rating: None
Prashant Preman's picture

Nice One!

Hey Prema! You have beautifully expressed your feelings! Good job!

Your rating: None

hey~

hey premz!!~ da wz seriusly vry cool...i mean touchin n cums dirctly frm ur heart....i luvd d flow...d serius continuous flw...

givs an impressin dat u js cldnt stop writin it d momnt u strtd it..~

Your rating: None