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Questions to the Mountain

prema_nair's picture
Submitted by prema_nair on Sun, 04/26/2009 - 08:22

Questions to the Mountain

 
Oh! mighty mountain where do you go,
to whom does your expansiveness show?
I can see a single part,
but do you grow apart?
Away from the native land, to a distant plan.
From this rocky ground, to somewhere sound.
 
From all this commotion do you get a promotion?
Away from the city lights, is that a good sight?
What does your vastness prove?
Is there something you disaprove?
Does the valiant cloud scare you too,
does the creepy night frighten you too?
 
Does the far away land have a river?
Is that land green for ever?
Are people there happy like never before?
If so, may I spread like you henceforth.
 
Oh! Mighty mountain wherever you go,
I just want you to know.
That even if you wont spread,
Your beauty would still be kept.
You  are a wonderful chapter on nature’s pages.
Whose beauty cannot be changed for ages.
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amartya's picture

This comment was wrongly written by me... i messed it up...

Submitted by amartya on Sun, 04/26/2009 - 19:37.

please ignore this comment... Requesting the admin to delete this comment...

My comment has been posted below

 

Amartya

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amartya's picture

Prema

Submitted by amartya on Sun, 04/26/2009 - 19:35.

I think this is a beautiful write.
 
I especially liked the personification and the rhyme n rhythm. My favorite lines are:
 
Does the far away land have a river?
Is that land green forever?
Are people there happy like never before?
If so, may I spread like you henceforth.
 
 
Because there is a sense of boldness and want to break free visible in these lines and I think poets are supposed to be such.
 
But for the following mistakes I would have rated it a 5/5 instead of a 4.
 
1)      Away from the native land, to a distant plan. - I think you meant “Plane”
2)      Is that land green for ever? – “Forever” is one word.
 
I don't think you need to take these seriously though. Most people would just ignore them because it’s obvious that these were not intentional and only topographical errors... 
 
Do keep writing...
 
Respectfully,
Amartya

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amartya's picture

Congratulations! on the spotlight

Submitted by amartya on Sun, 04/26/2009 - 19:39.

Great... you've hit the spotlight mate

Amartya

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joe's picture

rhyme

Submitted by joe on Tue, 04/28/2009 - 18:54.

"Away from this distant land

to a place safe

My soul to keep

Deep

In your mystic folds

Mountains of mmy childhood dreams ...etc

 

Nice  poem.  Rhyme is a great source of music,  But we need to be careful to use it ,not for  the sake of rhyme, but to enhance the content through form. No need to  rhyme every line.   The "poetic" value of a write can be iin the choice of words to create images that are beyond this  reality-- avoid the concrete. Go  to your soul and find the source of true inspiration.

 

Joe

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wow...Prema a lesson to learn

Submitted by loveulife on Thu, 05/21/2009 - 02:00.

WOW.....So many technicalities to expressing you soulfelt emotion , I am sure all the suggestions provided above will help you write better tomorrow...

but overall i found that this poem was like one of those textbook poems that we keep reading during school days....Keep Writing...

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jack the ripper's picture

Aw... Princess

Submitted by jack the ripper on Sun, 05/24/2009 - 14:28.

Your poem has hit the spotlight again... :)

Amartya

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joe's picture

Very well written

Submitted by joe on Sun, 05/24/2009 - 14:38.

I suiggest "Does the creepy night.."   chnge to " Does the silece of night...."

Joe

 

It would be interesting to raise the "poetic vallue" of this wrte if  you did it again and limited the rhyme. you need not rhyme every line. When the rhyme t akes over the beauty of thought and expression can be lost.

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prema_nair's picture

thanks joe.

Submitted by prema_nair on Sun, 05/24/2009 - 19:32.

 

i can't assure u that i'll edit this one but i'll surely take all your suggestions into consideration on the next one.

thanks,

Prema

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Mocit's picture

Well written

Submitted by Mocit on Mon, 05/25/2009 - 01:50.

I have never written about anything other than the human experience.  This I like very much.  Well written and makes you think and connect to other things.

mocit

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Prashant Preman's picture

Hey Prema, Beautiful Poem!

Submitted by Prashant Preman on Sat, 10/03/2009 - 12:58.

Hey Prema,

Beautiful Poem! Well written! I loved it!

Thank you! | Prashant Preman

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