The Diagnosis
I am struggling against the greatest force that I have faced
Misplaced anger and a lack of faith
In this case my ire is turned within
Pitted against my very nature and my make-believe sins
I shed light on my fears by projecting them on others
But the the tears of my lover
Cause my heart to shudder at the most inopportune moments
I twitch
And it rips the stitches that hold and bind
The insanity which threatens to undermine
I forget to think
Then I flail to find
Some reason to believe that this female is mine
Am I evil?
To commit such a crime?
How could another human being be mine?
I don't mean to whine
But it does hurt to think that she might not like me
Of course, I don't really like myself
And seeing as how I can't be anyone else
I am constantly resigned to giving less than my best
Though the guilt of this
Leaves me finding no rest
I plunge the blade of my self-righteous sword
So deeply into my core
That I do not think I can take anymore
But I do
Thus my mind is made lame by the shame
Contained within this brain which is so deranged
It can no longer convince itself of
Anything
This body is rusting away
By means of a decay so terrible
It could only have come from within
That's why I hate myself
Because I'm so condescending
And I hate myself
For being so unforgiving
But I hate myself the most
For giving all that I am
And getting nothing in return
... Nothing ...
Except a soul self-spurned
Completely burned
By a hatred aimed at a target
That I haven't yet discerned.
hello
Its contains such emotions and deep ones which have been collected and placed so tactfully and i liked it so much.I was showing love for his lover and his fears of not being liked in return and blaming himself fr such thing and alot i just cant allow myself to read it again n again and ask myself im not gonna miss any feeling unseen and i wuld it read again and add more comment to it.
Excellent and im not gud at critisizing style but i liked the way u have put it out.
Great to c u here ,a hearty welcum trucidus.
Regards,
LAvanya
Trucidas, my friend...
Your inner pain and self-denigration, (or of the personage in the poem) is palpable and also literal.
I noticed and liked the many rhymes strewn throughout, but especially " I twitch/And it rips the stitches that hold and bind/The insanity which threatens to undermine" and "Thus my mind is made lame by the shame/Contained within this brain which is so deranged" and
"Except a soul self-spurned/Completely burned/By a hatred aimed at a target/That I haven't yet discerned."
You intrigue me as a poet and as a person: one who often gives more than he receives.
"
Furthermore...
What does this line mean? "Pitted against my very nature and my make-believe sins? Not giving enough?
You seem to want to reveal much about yourself, especially your vulnerabilities...or is that just the personage of the poem who is a different, created being to the poet writing the poem?
aureliom said: "What does
aureliom said:
"What does this line mean? "Pitted against my very nature and my make-believe sins? Not giving enough?"
I think I meant it to say that my anger is mostly at myself, and I tried to hint at the fact that I hold grudges against myself. I have talked with several people who say that my mistakes are normal human error, but I seem to resent myself for things that happened ages ago that probably weren't even that bad. (That word, resent, coming from the latin "Sentire" meaning loosely (perhaps not so loosely) "to feel." Thus resent I suppose means to sort of "refeel." I only mention this because these are recurring feelings in my life. I tend to allow them to hold me back.)
The reason I say that it is pitted against my nature is that I have an unwillingness to give anything my best shot because I feel like its too late to start. Maybe I sort of missed the boat. Its a great excuse, and it feeds my apathy. So yeah, you could say that... Not giving enough. I know that it is not in my nature to act and live the way I do.
I write from my heart. I used to be able to write about things outside of myself. I pray daily that I will one day remember how to look past the walls that I have painstakingly built around myself. I don't mind sharing my thoughts in rhyme though.
"It is because I think, that I lay this ink!"
I appreciate your thoughtful
I appreciate your thoughtful replies. I know your time is precious, as is mine. You have spent your time enriching mine. Thank you.
nevermind
again, nevermind.