devil in the mirror...

falcon's picture




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I see u there…..

U have always been there…...

I never realized what have u made of me….

Neither did I cared cause of the power u gave me…..

But now I lament for the moment I surrendered to thee……..

 

I can feel those chilling eyes gleaming upon me.

 

The eagerness in them, the greed in them, the lack of mercy in them.

I look at her mouth…

That hunger for more...

 

Is that me?? 

Can it be??

Yes it surely is…

 

The eagerness to succeed...

The greed to gain...

Cold heartedness for those I defeat...

Hunger for more and more of success...

 

Father, since my childhood that’s what u wanted me to be…

 

Im now a success machine...

My childhood innocence, my blushing smile, those dreams of butterflies, that life so carefree were all in vain for u...

My sympathy for poor, love for all and joy in what others gain... were my weaknesses for u??

 

This is what u carved out of me? 

Just an emotionless machine running hard in life’s maddening strife...

 

To gain what?

Laurels, honor and pride for u…

So that u can boast about the society “that’s my child...”

 

So here im father as u wished…. Look at me... father..

 

 

"Im ur child”

 

 

Language: 
English
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reema's picture

hellooo...

THIS WAS REALLY INTERESTING PIC ON THE CELL PHONE.. ND UR STORY IS GOOD .. SHORT AND SWEET.. GOOD ONE..

REEMA..

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aureliom's picture

Interesting

So,  the speaker sees herself as the daughter of the devil? You used the idea well...a person who is in despair because she is under the power of an evil being...

It's a  good exercise in writing and will be popular with many young people.

The notion of evil spirits is very foreign to my way of thinking. I don't  believe in them and I don't find the movies interesting on those topics...possession, vampires etc.

My idea: People that do bad things do them because they want to, not because they are possessed by an evil spirit.

But it makes for good literature and for popular films.

Question: why did you decide to make some lines much longer?

Keep writing.

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falcon's picture

thanks for reading my write up

in this write up actually the speaker is a girl who realizes that she has lost her happy and innocent days of childhood and feelings for poor and has become hungry for success and doesnt realize anything except that... she has become very mechanical losing feelings and becoming cruel and cunning.

and she blames her parent for doing so as he was the one who urged him to just compete and led her to this race of life... referred to as maddening strife.

there is no occulent in this prose... the evil is child's own persona which she realizes what she has become in life's race which is non human and emotionless......and her realization is referred to as mirror..

hope u will like this piece,

falcon

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aureliom's picture

Prose re-write

The girl is looking in the mirror. She thinks:

“ I see u there: U have always been there. I never realized what have you made of me; neither did I care because of the power u gave me, but now I lament for the moment I surrendered to thee.”

 

The girl continues talking to herself: “ I can feel those chilling eyes gleaming upon me: the eagerness in them, the greed in them, the lack of mercy in them. I look at her mouth and see it hungers for more.  

She has succeeded but is not happy. She doesn’t like what she sees:  Is that me? Can it be? Yes it surely is… 

She is absorbed in her eagerness to succeed."

 

She continues her conversation with herself: " The greed to gain; cold heartedness for those I defeat. I hunger for more and more of success. She remembers what got her here: Father, since my childhood that’s what u wanted me to be! Im now a success machine.

My childhood innocence, my blushing smile, those dreams of butterflies, that life so carefree, they  were all in vain for you. My sympathy for the poor, my love for all and the joy in what others gain --  Did you consider these  my weaknesses? 

     Are you, dear father, happy with what you created? Did you carve me into the statue that makes you happy? Does it satisfy you to see me now: Just Just an emotionless machine running hard in life’s maddening strife.  To gain what? Laurels, honor and pride for you, so that you can boast to your friends and society “that’s my child...”

 

     So here I am father, as you wished. Look at me, father. I’m your child.”

 

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aureliom's picture

Prose Style

One major difference between prose and poetry is how it looks on the page. Prose usually follows the regular sentence and paragraph form, as in an essay or story.

When you write short lines and expect the reader  to get inside of the speaker's head, you are in the realm of poetry.  I attempted to take your words and put them into what is closer to a prose form. I might be wrong but that's how I understand it.

 

About your pictures: they were very dramatic but also very misleading. Even when I reread your piece and looked at the pictures, the meaning I  got was that she was possessed by evil, and her 'father' was the devil.

 

Keep writing.

What did you think of the second poem I sent you? I skipped one line.

 

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