It seems here lately all I've been doing is talking about my deceased wife. It makes me feel like I'm putting my troubles out for the world to see. I'm really a very private person, except for my poetry. Sometimes I think I'm being a burden and everyone gets tired of hearing the same thing all the time. I know that isn't true. I have trouble pushing those kinds of thoughts out of my mind. I haven't really told anyone how deep the hurt goes in my mind and heart. I feel I have this huge hole in my heart that I can't get filled. I fill it some with God and Jesus, but I still feel so empty even though I have God and Jesus in my heart. The one thing I miss so much is; I haven't a person to share my life. I praise God for being in and sharing my life, but, to me, it is so much more than that.
I continue this path even when it seems impossible to take another step. I plod onward expecting the best. My pain and loneliness keeps rising slowly, sometimes rapidly toward the surface of my being. It takes all I have to keep everything from boiling over. I'm praying God sends me the relief He knows I am desperate for. God knows my heart. He always has.
It wasn't until my wife, Faye, was gone that I came to realize how much a part of my life she was. She lives on in my heart and she will always be there. You would think I could control my feelings, but I had kept all my love and emotion bottled within. Then like an opened, shaken soda, a mass of feelings and love and hurt come gushing out all over the place. I'm learning it is far better to release these views on a more regular basis. The way I'm thinking, it seems to be a better idea to have a bunch of minor eruptions instead of one major explosion of my frame of mind.
In the recent past, my tears have been like a steady rain with bursts of hurricane strength. The main theme I seem to have developed is I know I should fully commit to God, but I want to cling to the beliefs of my past. I realize that there will be a time when the feelings, emotions and thoughts will bear little pain. I want that to happen now, but I should wait for God's time. With that said, I'm ready to attempt to focus on my duties as a responsible Christian and begin helping others to reduce my sorrow. In the final analysis, that is the choice God wants me to take. By helping and assisting others, I am helping myself.
I have so much love to give and share; I look forward to the day when that special someone comes sauntering into my life. Maybe it will be tomorrow. Only God knows for sure. I must learn and continue to learn that I should lean more heavily on Him, than I have in recent weeks. To that end, I am committing myself whole-heartedly to my mission as a servant for World Prayr Ministries. I can think of no better solution. Right now, I begin the rest of my life.
Robert Dodson
September 3, 2010
